During one of my son’s basketball tournaments, I sat by a parent of an opposing team’s player. He asked me where our team was from, I asked the same. He told me that his child’s team had not been playing together for long, and that they were starting to grow as a team after a few weeks of play. He asked me how long my son’s team had been playing together and I said that he was new to the team, but I believed they had been playing together for a while. I remarked that playing basketball was a wonderful opportunity to create a healthy community. He said that it was, indeed, an opportunity for people to coalesce around a good ideal—and then the conversation took an unexpected turn. He continued: now that the United States has been completely torn apart by the shameless way in which the election was stolen, and how the current president’s son (with the president’s acquiescence) was receiving corruption money. For the record, these are not my views. All reputable election monitors have repeatedly stated that the election was not stolen. I have yet to see any reputable news source connect Hunter Biden’s business deals with our foreign policy. If there is one thing that is tearing this country apart it is misinformation. I strongly oppose the dissemination of statements that do not reflect the truth, and create more and more divisions and animosity between Americans. The country does not benefit from these divisions. Regular people do not benefit from these divisions. We only lose as the fabric of our country is torn apart for the benefit of ratings.
I had an internal debate—do I respond? Should I share my views with a stranger with whom I exchanged just a few words? What would be gained by engaging in a debate at that moment? What would be the emotional cost of doing so?
I chose to keep quiet. I decided that nothing would be gained by having this conversation. I smiled (which I think it would be difficult for him to see, since I was wearing a mask), and went back to my knitting. The game started, and the referee made a few mistakes, most of them against my son’s team. In the middle of the second period, the referee made a really bad call, favoring the other team. The parents of the team where my son is playing were all up in arms, angry because of the blatant injustice. My neighbor asked me—“what happened?” I began answering the question by saying that the referee had just missed a flagrant foul, when he interrupted me and said: “Well, you obviously cannot really know what happened, since you were knitting.”
I was appalled by his gratuitous aggressive behavior. There was no reason for speaking to me in that manner. What has happened to our society that some people feel that they have the right to say offensive things to complete strangers? The level of hostility among people in this country has reached a level that I never imagined possible. I have lived in the United States long enough to witness a disconcerting change; the pendulum has swung from civilized disagreements to a complete lack of civility.
Judaism has plenty to say about communication. Our tradition places much significance on Shmirat HaLashon (the literal translation of this term is keeping one’s tongue). While most of us are familiar with the prohibitions relating to gossiping, the value of Shmirat HaLashon also involves the way in which we speak, and the respect we show other beings through our choice of words and the tone we use when we speak. We have to be respectful of all people, since we were all made in the image of God; speaking to someone in a needlessly hostile way debases God’s image on earth.
I chose not to respond. I chose not to engage in the spreading of baseless hatred and needless violence. There is a part of me that is sorry I did not share with him that I had found his comment hurtful. Another part of me was sad that I, in effect, had given up on another human being. And there is a part of me that is grateful I didn’t. After all, we learn from Rabbi Tarfon in the Pirkei Avot (2:21): You are not obligated to finish the task, nor are you free to desist from it. I will continue to insist with my own communal circle that we uphold the value of Shmirat HaLashon. And maybe soon I will feel strong enough not to give up on strangers in basketball games.
On Tuesday, May 17th, join the National Council of Jewish Women for The Jewish Rally for Abortion Justice, supporting the Jewish view on abortions. Abortions are permitted in Jewish Law, and I urge you to join us in this effort to have our religious perspective heard.