We are now in the Hebrew month of Elul. Elul is a good month for Jewish weddings because its letters are an anagram for Ani LeDodi VeDodi Li, which means “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” I have written before about how this quote from the Song of Songs is such a great way to represent how the Jewish tradition understands a loving relationship; each person gives and receives in the same measure in a balanced relationship, growing with each other as they travel in this journey of life together. In the coming weeks I will share with you a few things about Jewish weddings that make the ceremony unique, and a little bit about my approach to the process of creating a meaningful ceremony that reflects each couple’s unique nature.
The Jewish wedding ceremony affirms the Jewish belief in hope. We believe that the love that unites a couple is the best antidote the world has for hopelessness, that the union of two souls that found each other in the vast sea of possibilities will usher in the era of peace and love that our world so desperately needs.
The Jewish wedding ceremony has changed throughout history. At first glance, the wedding ceremony was a way of protecting women from poverty, but looking at the historical context in which it ultimately developed, the wedding ceremony was a way of telling the couple, and the community assembled around them, that no matter the vicissitudes experienced by the Jews during that moment, the arc of history was not ending there, that there was a future, and that this moment was worth celebrating.
This message of hope that the love that unites a couple can spread goodness and peace, not only to the people assembled at the wedding ceremony but to the many circles to which the couple, the families, and the guests will bring those feelings is very important now. When I participate in the process of creating a ceremony that brings together different cultures, different heritages, different faiths, and we find ways of honoring the differences using the framework of the Jewish wedding, I feel we are doing our part in the effort of ushering in the era of peace and love that we so desire. When I play a part in transforming the ancient Jewish ceremony to bless two people of the same sex, I feel that we are helping the world inch closer to a time of mutual understanding and cooperation. The Jewish wedding ceremony in its core is a vehicle to bring people together to affirm that love is love, that we can live in harmony, and that we will not let go of the hope of a future when all people will live together peacefully.
For a ceremony to work I meet with the couple many times to understand the couple’s wishes, to share insights about relationships that come from the Jewish tradition, to teach about the different parts of the ceremony, and to get to know the couple well. I will ask questions and I will encourage the couple to ask questions of each other and questions they might have for me, not only about the ceremony, but about life in general. In the Jewish tradition, the officiant in a wedding ceremony is called a messader/et kiddushin, a person who arranges (or puts in place) the holiness of the wedding ceremony. The couple brings the feelings of Ani l’dodi v’dodi li, “I am my beloved and my beloved is mine,” the central message of the month of Elul. I will guide the couple in sharing that love with holiness through the lenses of the Jewish tradition. Next week I will discuss details about the first part of the Jewish ceremony, the Eirussin.