Psalm 133:1
הִנֵּה מַה־טּוֹב וּמַה־נָּעִים שֶׁבֶת אַחִים גַּם־יָחַד
Hinei mah tov umanayim shevet ‘achim gam yachad.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is when brothers and sisters dwell together.
It is so good to be here, together, for Rosh HaShanah!
After two Jewish New Years where we were not able to be together, we are finally in person, heeding the call of community. I missed being with you. I missed singing together.
I missed being you even though we had a strong virtual community. We met on zoom, learning that we can gather, pray, study, and be together even when we are not in the same physical space. We experienced physical distancing, not social distancing.
We shared our opinions and were there, spiritually and emotionally, for each other.
We were creative, we were resilient. I know that many people did not fare that well. Many people succumbed to the darkness of fears and sadness. Many people found themselves lost because of the physical separation, others were hurt by the lack of connection, and others by isolation.
Many people felt a deep loneliness.
In his book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the 19th surgeon general of the United States, wrote that loneliness is the underlying issue causing health problems in this country, such as alcohol and drug addiction, violence, depression and anxiety. Loneliness is not determined by how many interactions or how frequently we get together with other people. Loneliness can be experienced in many ways. A person can feel lonely in intimate or emotional relationships, wanting to have a close confidant or intimate partner with whom to share affection and trust. A person can feel lonely in relational or social situations, when it is a struggle to have quality friendships and social companionship and support. A person can feel collective loneliness when they strive for connections in networks or communities of people with shared sense of purpose and interests. Loneliness is a feeling that can manifest itself through unhappiness, sadness, despair, shame, and the actions one takes to avoid this emotional pain.
I have experienced all three kinds of loneliness. What I found out was that if I felt one of these kinds of loneliness, everything around me became tinged with shades of that loneliness. I ended up getting so involved in trying to run away from the pain of loneliness in ways that were not beneficial for my life, that I ended up experiencing even more loneliness.
A long time ago a classmate of mine felt lonely in her marriage. As the marriage was ending, she created situations that made many of her friends move away from her, making her even more lonely. I reacted to her with a certain measure of indignation, feeling very hurt by the way she was treating me. A few years later, when I felt that intense loneliness in my own marriage, I recognized in me some of her patterns of behavior. Some I was able to correct. Some I was only able to see them for what they were in hindsight. None were very pretty.
In Hebrew the same root for loneliness is used for solitude. Loneliness is bodedut, and solitude is hitbodedut. Solitude is in the reciprocal/reflexive verb formation, meaning that it is an action done to oneself or to one another. Although they share the same root solitude, hitbodedut, is different than loneliness, bodedut. Solitude is a space we create for ourselves as an opportunity to reflect upon our lives and connect with ourselves without outside distractions or disturbances. Although solitude can be daunting, for it allows both positive and negative thoughts and emotions to surface, the rewards of this process are many. As a way to experience and benefit from solitude, hitbodedut, I have grown in the practice of Hessed meditation. Hessed is, in the kabbalah, unbound love and kindness. In the kabbalistic Tree of Life, Hessed is balanced with G’vurah, strict judgment. At this time of the year we try to balance these energies in God with the power of our prayers. The practice of Hessed meditation is simple: we sit and breathe, imagining that we can feel the breath flowing throughout our bodies. We then think of a person we love, and say: May you experience love and kindness. May you be healthy in body, soul, and mind. May you be safe from inner and outer dangers. May you be at ease and happy. The next step on this meditation is to think of ourselves, and wish the same things. The circles of Hessed then grow to envelop our neighbors, to our towns, to our country, to our world. When I feel strong and grounded I offer Hessed to people I don’t particularly like. As I engage in this practice I feel my personal growth, the flow of creativity, and emotional well-being. With solitude we can develop self-knowledge, which is the path to deepening our connection and bettering our relationships with others. Solitude, then, becomes an antidote to loneliness.
That is when we can proclaim, without a doubt, Behold, how good and how pleasant it is when brothers and sisters dwell together.
An example of the benefits of growing both in hitbodedut and Hessed was something that happened to me at the beginning of the second summer of the pandemic. Emboldened by the vaccine and the feeling that I would be okay in outdoor events,
I answered the call in my neighborhood to go help with food packing for families in need. I went to the gathering place and looked for the organizer. She asked me to go to someone’s house to pick up cereal, so I did. I came back and wanted to help, and as I approached each packing station, someone would push me onto another station, since each table was staffed by people who were friends or acquaintances.
I felt ostracized. I was trying to connect with other people, but everyone there was catching up in what they did during the summer, focusing on their friends, and did not include a new person in their circle. I was sad. From the corner of my eye I saw another woman who seemed to be having the same experience I was having. We looked at each other and left, exchanging phone numbers, and becoming good friends. I do not feel lonely because the pandemic afforded me plenty of time for self-reflection, so I could laugh this off and create a new friendship.
Friendships are another way to avoid loneliness. Developing friendships can seem difficult, and because I am an introvert, I feel that I have personal knowledge of the toll it can take. Being with people is how I spend energy, and sometimes that is difficult. But friendship is something I am willing to give, to expend the energy needed to bring closer the people around me. I love to have you all as friends, no matter where you are, and how many times we see and speak with each other. I am proud to have friends of all ages and all kinds.
There are many different kinds of friendships, corresponding to the kinds of loneliness I mentioned before, intimate, relational, and collective. Not all friendships are going to be the same, nor can they. Developing friendships involves caring about the other, listening, speaking truly from the heart, making time and space for others, and studying together. Yes, I mean studying together. In the beginning of the pandemic I took a course in Kabbalah with students from all over the world. My study partner was a woman I didn’t know who lives in Rio de Janeiro. Since we were all zooming anyway, it didn’t matter where my study partner lived. We learned together, and then we started having long conversations, and praying together when she was sick, developing a strong friendship. When we met face-to-face this past summer in Rio de Janeiro, we picked up our conversation from a few weeks before, without a hitch. We had become true friends, during a pandemic, thousands of miles away from one another. My rabbi in Rio asked me how I became friends with this woman, and I told him that it was because of our study. He chuckled and quoted from the Pirkei Avot: Asseh lekha rav ukneh lekha haver. Appoint a rabbi to study with and make yourself a friend. We studied together, and from that study a deep and enduring friendship grew. Friendships can be developed in many ways, and even when we cannot be physically present, we can be emotionally present. And then we can say, Behold, how good and how pleasant it is when brothers and sisters dwell together.
Another way to avoid loneliness is to strengthen our relationships with our families.
For children, parents and grandparents, we have to give one the time to be with another – to share emotional presence. We also have to give the space for each to be who they are. And we all must say I am sorry, when we know we messed up. The dance of balancing time and space is exhausting, and it is the way to have the kind of family relationships that will stave off loneliness. I know it is difficult to make time for our family sometimes, and we hope that everyone will understand how busy we are. But it is the quality of the interactions with our family that makes a difference. When we are together, we have to make it count.
As we start this New Year, I invite you to make this year the one in which we can truly behold how good and how pleasant it is when brothers and sisters dwell together.
May this be a year in which we commit to being present for ourselves and for others. May this be a year in which no one feels lonely. May this be a year of Hessed, of love and kindness, balanced with good judgment. I wish you all a sweet and happy New Year, a year of self-knowledge, friendship, and good family relationships, where we will all dwell together in peace and understanding.