How are you? This is a question we hear constantly. It is a question that we all ask and answer, frequently without putting much thought behind it. I want you to know that in the majority of times I ask you this question, I really mean it in its fullness. I am not only starting a conversation. I want to know how you are.
I am asking you about your mood, about where you are emotionally at that moment, about how the interactions in your world are affecting you. I understand the words in this question individually and in their context.
How – are – you? How – implies a curiosity, a desire to open the path to knowledge. Are – the verb to be, is related to our essence. And You – implies a recognition of this other being with whom I am in relationship.
When you ask me this question, I answer it in the most truthful way I can. This does not mean that I am ready to open up about my feelings, emotions, desires, longings, thoughts, and sensations to everyone who asks me this question. I listen to the question and respond accordingly. Sometimes the person asking me this question really wants to open the communication so they can share one or more of the feelings I described above with me. Then my answer is brief, and I make emotional space for that person to respond when I ask the same question. There are times that I interpret this question as an opening for me to share my feelings, where the person who asked me this question truly wants to know some aspect of my emotional life, and I want to share with that person. There are times and places where this question is an introduction to a short conversation, one that does not require a long answer; that is often the case at commercial establishments, and I know the person is being polite. I respond in a polite manner with a smile, trying to signal to that person that we both might not have a lot of time for me to answer this question fully, but that I care about their personhood, that I recognize the human being that is behind that question. There are times that I hear a tone of intrusion, misplaced prying, or pettiness and jealousy in this question. Then my answer is abbreviated; for true communication to happen there is a need for trust. If I do not trust the person who is asking me this question, I answer it with a short, I am well. This will probably be the end of the conversation, though.
We are starting a new year in the Gregorian calendar, 2021. There were a few lessons I learned from 2020. I learned that time is precious, and my interactions with people make a difference in everyone’s lives. I learned that when faced with adversity, my best option is to rise to meet the challenges that I am facing with all my being, fully in the situation. I learned that I, as well as the people with whom I chose to interact have an incredible amount of resilience, are reliable, and are open to relying on others when they need. And I also learned that the question How are you? is to be taken seriously. The world works better with true communication, respect for others, and loving care for individuals and groups.
The more we ask and respond to questions with our whole being, with truthful care and curiosity about the lives and emotional spaces of others, the more we will increase the positive energy that is so needed in the world right now.
I believe we can do our part by asking,
“ How are you? ”
—fully engaging with others, acting with generosity of spirit and a smile, without underhanded motives.
May we have a blessed, engaged, and profoundly different 2021, knowing how we are, and caring about how others are faring, attuned to challenges, and celebrating the moments when we open space for care and for love.