In this first exploration of what our tradition teaches is the path we take to being kind, we will unpack the first three suggestions of the Pirkei Avot, studying, attentive listening, and using proper speech. The rabbis that were featured in or were part of the redaction of the Talmud were invested in studying the Torah text, extracting from it wisdom and guidance for their communities. Since then, every generation of Torah scholars added to this material, creating a vast array of texts that we also call Torah, the expanded understanding of the original text. The word Torah comes from a Hebrew verbal root that is also found in the word for a teaching, a piece of wisdom that is shared with others. As the teachings increase, we have an ever-expanding understanding of the text, of our knowledge, and of our wisdom. Sharing our wisdom is an act of kindness. We learn from our mistakes and (if we are smart) from other people’s mistakes. When we share our Torah, we attempt to enrich other people’s lives, exemplifying kindness.
Sharing wisdom and knowledge does not necessarily imply that we are being kind. There are many ways to talk to other people and try to help them navigate life’s challenges or share our experiences with them. And that is where the two other pathways to increasing kindness in the world, attentive listening and using proper speech, appear in the equation of sharing our knowledge with others. There are many times when although I am saying something that needs to be said, the way I say it, for one reason or another, becomes an impediment for the other person to hear what I am saying. The term in Hebrew for using proper speech is arichat s’fatayim. S’fatayim means lips, and arichat means revision, editing, or redacting. It seems to me that the Hebrew words point to the need for thinking through what one says so it can be heard in the way that it was meant. And we must also listen attentively to the other person, asking questions so we can understand what they are saying, checking our understanding and deepening communication.
Our tradition insists that to be considered kindness, the sharing of knowledge is to be done in a way that can be heard by others and reveals attentive listening to what others are saying. I think that our tradition understands that authentic communication only happens when everyone involved is speaking with the other person, not at another person. Menorat HaMaor (“The Lamp of Illumination”) is a 14th-century book written by Rabbi Yisrael Alnaqua, who lived in Toledo, Spain. In the section entitled On Love of Comrades and their Considerate Treatment, Honoring one’s friend, Rabbi Alnaqua shares a few ideas about how a person can promote the kind of communication that would increase peace in the world:
“To increase the feeling of belonging in this world, a person must honor and respect their friends, even if they are of lesser age or learning.
When a person engages with others in learning and guiding, they grow in love, producing the feeling of belonging.
When a person wrongs another, the wronged person must keep their anger in check. It is easy to allow the feelings of hatred to flourish, for then it is hard to retreat from that emotion, and one forgets the centrality of belonging.
A good way of life is to be close to those we love, to stay away from those we don’t, and to accept the suggestion, guidance, and teachings of those we love.”
I find it really difficult to hold my peace sometimes. I hear things and get hurt by what I believe was said, I say the wrong things, and I fail in many of the categories that Rabbi Alnaqua points out as a good way of life. I am trying to grow in kindness and I list here a few suggestions on how to be kind through sharing and communicating:
- Truly listen to others. Not only hear but listen with empathy and compassion.
- When other people say things that arouse a difficult feeling in me, I ask for a minute to understand where that feeling is coming from.
- Ask for clarifications: What did you mean when you said ____?
- Repeat what was said before saying something: What I heard you saying was ____, and I will add ____.
- Explain what I mean without asking for agreement and ask the other person/s to explain what they understood of my point of view.
- Remember that conversations are not sports matches where one must be victorious. Conversations are not won—they are an instrument for growth and change.
When next we have a conversation and I fail to follow my own suggestions, please be kind and help me see where I missed the boat. Let us all increase kindness in the world through study, speech, and the way we listen to others.